Evil Genius Smarties Plan

It occurs to me (as things of this nature so often do) that there is an excellent way to twist the "always eat the red ones last" marketing scheme for Smarties into an evil genius plan.

It's quite simple, really. Lace all the Smarties colours save the red ones with some sort of slow-acting poison. Then, distribute exactly enough of an antidote for the total poison into the red ones. Ensure the antidote breaks down quickly so you can't build up an excess.

Now anyone who fails to heed your commands and doesn't eat the otherwise-identical candy covered chocolate things in an arbitrary marketing-derived order... dies! Muahahaha!

Everyone is a CEO

Regardless of whether you are single or married, employed or retired, every single person in this country is a CEO.

For example, I am the CEO (together with my wife, of course -- and above or below on the org chart, depending on who you ask) of the Morris Family Household Corporation.

I say this because managing a household is absolutely no different than managing a multinational corporation or the federal government, the numbers just have fewer zeroes. Of course, absolute digits really don't matter a whole lot anyway, because in the end it's looking at the numbers in relative percentage terms that shows where the truth lies.

Furthermore, one can draw the conclusion that the majority of businesses and governments must be poorly managed, as so too are the financial affairs of most families -- the same average household with 150%+ of their disposable income in debt represents the same average household that contains the same average people in many top managerial and political roles...

How can you get ahead if you don't even track what's going on?

The Morris Family Household Corporation has been a highly successful business venture thus far; this has been primarily due to a lot of hard work (as it should be).

Over the last few years, the corporation has been through a merger (the marriage of my wife and I), a year of capital intensive research and development leading to the introduction of a new product line (our 5 month old son), and ongoing capital investment.

The majority of our success has stemmed from how we do business.

We have an annual capital and operating budget, we establish goals, and we are always aware of exactly where every cent of our income goes (the majority, of course, is to taxes).

We also produce income statements and maintain a balance sheet, which allow for the easy analysis of our state of affairs.

We track expenditures by cost center and can make comparisons over time.

Most importantly, we use this information to make strategic management decisions.

Our last decision of such resulted in the relocation of our corporate headquarters to capitalize on an opportunity that will significantly increase our total revenue in 2011 over 2010, while at the same time halving our actively employed staff (my wife doesn't need to work), eliminating the expense, time, and risk of a work commute, and significantly reducing our fixed expenses.

So, fellow CEO, are you aware of how your business is performing?

I will follow this up on a later date with a lesson on budgeting.

Lastly, on an entirely unrelated note, have a watch:

The Crime of Being A Victim

Unfortunately, this entry has nothing to do with my travels.

I read a story in the news today that startled me. It was about a woman who was apparently beheaded at random in a Spanish resort marketplace on the Canary Islands. The crime allegedly committed by some Bulgarian homeless man.

My first reaction wasn’t what you would expect. There was no horror; there was no anger; there was no emotion period. I, like many people these days, am desensitized to hearing about acts of violence through the media. Instead, the thought that ran through my head was, “How?”

I mean, how could that have happened? I don’t mean how that vagrant could do such a thing. I personally believe that there are no limits to human depravity and that anyone and everyone has the capability to do horrible things. What I mean is, how could he physically do it uninterrupted in the middle of crowded marketplace?

I apologize in advance to the squeamish people reading this but I have to be somewhat descriptive to make my point. You see, a human being, like any other animal, will not just sit there and let you slowly kill it. This man beheaded the woman with a knife that he stole from the same market and there is no way to quickly behead someone with a knife.

That leaves one possibility; the man must have killed the woman with the knife and then beheaded her. There are multiple ways to do this but none of them are exactly quick. The quicker ways, like a knife through the heart, require precision execution that I doubt the hobo in question could pull off. Based on this line of thought, the woman would have suffered a slow, violent, and excessively noticeable death in the midst of a crowd of people.

And nobody stepped in to help.

There is well documented research that classifies this as the Bystander Effect or Genovese Syndrome. It explains the phenomenon observed in the above story. It basically confirms that people are much closer to sheep than sentient beings.

One of the main tracks within the research is the concept of diffusion of responsibility. In layman’s terms, it explains that when a group is confronted with this sort of situation they think the following:

“Someone else is bound to help.”

In short, this pisses me off. This mentality allowed the woman in Spain to become a victim. This mentality ensures that there will be many more victims. By not taking responsibility on themselves these people are implicit and responsible for the death of this woman. They may not have been able to save that woman but they should have tried. This all too human phenomenon is flat out as criminal as the act of killing was.

Now, you are probably thinking, “Who are you to judge? Would you have done any different?”

The answer is yes I would have and more to point I have before on several occasions. I didn’t jump in a front of a knife but I did put myself at risk. There was a similar story about a year ago about a man who was stabbed and bled to death in a crowded street after saving a woman from the same fate. That man is what all of you should be like. Whether he knew it or not, that man was willing to die to help that woman, as it should be. Some things are worth dying for. Ironically, the preservation of life is one of them.

But most, if not all, of you are more like the crowd in that market on the Canary Islands.

That makes some of you victims waiting to happen and the others…potential criminals who are victims of circumstance.

Adventures In Scotland

Ahh Scotland

Though I had fun in London, Scotland was the reason I went on this trip and it was all that I hoped it would be.

Of course one of the first things you see on your way to Scotland is a gigantic rock where someone has spray painted the following:

“Welcome to Scotland, Sorry you had to pass through all that SHIITE to get here”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, sums up the attitudes of the Scots towards the English.

It takes talent to hold a grudge for so many centuries. Mind you, they aren’t alone in their intense dislike of the English. The Irish, Aussies, Kiwis (another pair that don’t get along), Welsh, French and even Americans (who the whole world hates) don’t generally regard the POM’s with anything approaching friendliness.

Still…I met an older couple at the hotel bar in Edinburgh and we struck up a conversation. The man introduced himself and then introduced his wife of 35 years as “This is my wife Leslie, she’s English… but I’ll forgive her because she’s good looking.”

…

One funny thing about this animosity is that it really flows only one way. The English are somewhat indifferent towards their northern neighbours. The other funny thing is that the Scots are always bringing it up in conversation. I’m generalizing but I met a good sample of Scots and it always came up.

Ever-present animosity aside, Scots are just plain awesome, and as much as I didn’t fit in while exploring London, I was just one of the crowd in Scotland. They have awesome food (haggis is tasty), fantastic beer and great whiskey (if you go, don’t call it scotch or it’s your head). Even better, they are always willing to strike up a conversation with the random Canadian tourists that pop in.

Another thing that is centuries old in Scotland is its capital city, Edinburgh (note the spelling does not reflect the number of syllables or pronunciation of the word). London had museums with lots of old things in them. The City of Edinburgh is a gigantic museum exhibition. The streets in downtown are paved with stone, each building in the area is ancient, and the landscape is dominated by Edinburgh Castle. It’s freakin cool man!

Ahem…

A warning though…Edinburgh and Scotland in general are not considered healthy by the Liver Association of Anton.

After my stay in the Capital I ventured further North and rented a car in Inverness. For your information, a Peugeot 308 is, in my opinion, garbage and I suggest not buying one. Driving on the other side of the road turned out to be easier than everyone claims. Driving with the steering wheel on the other side of the car was the weird part.

Despite the distraction of learning to drive again, it was immediately apparent that I came to right place to see another world. The highlands are amazing. They don’t possess the grandiose snow covered peaks of the Rockies but they are spectacular in their own right. I wandered the shore of Loch Ness, explored the coastline near Ullapool and climbed the mountain known as Ben Wyvis. The Scottish Highlands possess an eerie quality which is sadly beyond the limits of my eloquence to describe (So I attached photos). The one and only regret of this trip is that I didn’t set aside more time to explore further north.







I guess that means that I have to go back. How terrible is that?